I question if I am a nutcase all the time.

Is this normal? If it is, I wish it were not. And it's it's not...how can I stop?

Bleh. I find myself wanting to abide by one person's version of truth. I become very engrossed in their way of thinking...it tends to be whoever I am spending the most of my time with during that "season" of my life. I inherit their thought patterns and ways of thinking, I doubt what they doubt and think how they think.

This is honestly just how its always been. I have have always been known as "opinionated" but I don't think I have ever truly been my own person. I have a personality and sense of humor that is my own, but thoughts? Yes and no.

It is hard to not be shaken. I wish I could make a decision and not look back. Not doubt every step.

This is a pattern in everything I do. Sometimes I think God is working with me on my bigger demons before letting me be in a relationship. I am not sure how to work through a lot of this though.

Something my therapist has been encouraging me to do is react and think how I would think and react, instead of thinking of who I know who has done it "best" in this area. But there is one small a.k.a. GIGANTIC problem with that. I don't know what I think half of the time. I don't know what "I" do. I just do stuff...and most of the time I just feel like I am making a mistake. Like right now, I "should" be reading. But I am blogging. Does that make me a writer or a procrastinator? Is one of those things what "I" do? Or am I just making a bad choice? How do you know the differences between good and bad choices? What makes you happy now, or what will benefit you most in the long run? Cuz if we are always thinking long run, you don't enjoy the now and if you are always thinking Now, then you can get yourself into some deep shit.

And then everyone is like, "You're being too hard on yourself Melanie, just live blah blah blah" and honestly, it's nice rhetoric, but doesn't really help at the end of the day. Or maybe it does. I don't really know anything these days.

I do need to go read though. So I will do that. But see, here is the thing: Am I going to go read because it's what I would do, or because its a book my therapist wants me to read? There is no hope. UGH.