Give Me a Better Answer

Is doesn't seem right that we just stop asking questions in the name of subjective experience. Truth is universal, right? That's what we claim? So there should be universal answers. And I am not talking "what does my future hold" questions. Irrefutably God's domain.

But I was talking to Leanna yesterday about the lies the world tells us. And about how I hated it. But everyone is born into the world. Everyone is born into the lies. Not everyone is born in the truth of the gospel we claim. Can we BLAME someone for believing the lies they're told if the world gets to them first? We are supposed to hold this against them? I have never heard a good answer to this question. "It's in God's hands, it's not for man to know yadda yadda" never has and never will cut it for me on this issue. Just saying "I love Jesus, it's just too bad for the other folks" is incredibly naive and honestly very selfish. It's ignorant. (ESPECIALLY if you believe that and you're not doing anything about it!)

Now, there are some people who do know, and choose consciously not to live it out. I am not referring to those people. They are for another blog post. I believe Paul has a lot to say to those guys.

I am not discounting personal encounters with God, I am not saying He is not real or that He is not good. But I AM saying don't back down when the questions get hard. It's weak. Always be ready, right? (1 Peter 3:15)

GIVE ME A BETTER ANSWER.

Annie

"I'm not lost anymore."
"How did you do that?"
"Same way anything lost gets found. I stopped looking."
-- LOST, Season 2

This is either really stupid advice or incredibly brilliant advice, I can't decide.

I woke up with this song in my head.

Right now in this moment I am feeling sort of lonely but sort of ambivalent about it. Like...there is nothing I can do about it, and I am very happy about other things, sooooo...ya? Right? I am not feeling hopeless at all. I think that is when despair about loneliness sets in. But nope, that is most certainly not how I feel.

I will now go read, or clean, or do something productive.

Hasta :)

This is Real, This is ME, I'm Exactly where I'm Supposed to be

To any of you who can name that song, kudos and brownie points, we really MUST be friends ;)

Ok. So here are a few guidlines for the New Melanie Life Plan. (Aka, what I want to do in order to be me and not just who others think I should be)

1. Wake up at a decent hour everyday. This will probably be around 8 o'clock. This means I should probably be in bed by at least midnight every night. So unless we are discussing some Uber Important Issue over AIM or you know I am working on a paper due the next day (which really shouldn't be an excuse if I have planned properly), please kindly tell me to go to bed so I can stick to who I want to be!
2. Read the paper/scan to see what the top news stories are. This is important. I just deleted my yahoo account though...any suggestions on places to get my news? NYT website can be overwhelming...
3. Go for runs T/Th and maybe Sat.
4. Actually eat 3 meals a day. (This requires planning!)
5. Take a multivitamin.

That is all for now. Those all sound like SUPER SIMPLE THINGS, but they are not.

Pray for me! I am now going to go do something responsible like eat breakfast! Revolutionary!

I question if I am a nutcase all the time.

Is this normal? If it is, I wish it were not. And it's it's not...how can I stop?

Bleh. I find myself wanting to abide by one person's version of truth. I become very engrossed in their way of thinking...it tends to be whoever I am spending the most of my time with during that "season" of my life. I inherit their thought patterns and ways of thinking, I doubt what they doubt and think how they think.

This is honestly just how its always been. I have have always been known as "opinionated" but I don't think I have ever truly been my own person. I have a personality and sense of humor that is my own, but thoughts? Yes and no.

It is hard to not be shaken. I wish I could make a decision and not look back. Not doubt every step.

This is a pattern in everything I do. Sometimes I think God is working with me on my bigger demons before letting me be in a relationship. I am not sure how to work through a lot of this though.

Something my therapist has been encouraging me to do is react and think how I would think and react, instead of thinking of who I know who has done it "best" in this area. But there is one small a.k.a. GIGANTIC problem with that. I don't know what I think half of the time. I don't know what "I" do. I just do stuff...and most of the time I just feel like I am making a mistake. Like right now, I "should" be reading. But I am blogging. Does that make me a writer or a procrastinator? Is one of those things what "I" do? Or am I just making a bad choice? How do you know the differences between good and bad choices? What makes you happy now, or what will benefit you most in the long run? Cuz if we are always thinking long run, you don't enjoy the now and if you are always thinking Now, then you can get yourself into some deep shit.

And then everyone is like, "You're being too hard on yourself Melanie, just live blah blah blah" and honestly, it's nice rhetoric, but doesn't really help at the end of the day. Or maybe it does. I don't really know anything these days.

I do need to go read though. So I will do that. But see, here is the thing: Am I going to go read because it's what I would do, or because its a book my therapist wants me to read? There is no hope. UGH.

For My Love

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

--Bethany Dillon

To say I have never had doubts would be a lie.

But I wonder if I will ever be this certain again.

He>i

My New Profession

I should make a living off of turning down guys so they can start dating and eventually marry the "third person I bring along so it's not a date" girl. It has now happened twice. Well ladies, what can I say?

You're welcome :)

Listening v. Therapy

This is something I wrote in response to a friend's note in which I felt he viewed therapy as "lesser than". He wrote about the basic notion that we have replaced genuine friendships with the need to "pay people to listen to us". I used to think the same thing, a la "sororities are where you buy your friends". Well, I no longer think sororities are where you buy you friends, and I no longer think therapy is where you pay people to listen.

Here's why:
(comments in bold are added in for your understanding)

I actually think I disagree with my sister. (Sorry sister!) My sister has written that therapy is the same as listening. I would argue that therapy is MORE than listening. Therapists learn about their patients via listening, but it is what they are listening for that makes all the difference.

When I talk to a friend, they are listening with the goal of understanding and loving me where I am. And to be sure, my friends can testify to me needing and using them in this area.

But when I talk to my therapist, she is listening to hear faulty thought patterns and to call me out on double standards and idiosyncrasies in what I say. She is using her training to better asses the lies I may tell myself about who I am. A friend, no matter how pure their intentions, cannot do this--they lack the knowledge to effectively do so.

Now to address the HS Holy Spirit argument...as I was writing that therapy was the "only" answer, I foresaw your response. And I agree with you that we need to listen to God first above all else. But I can only repeat what my sister said in different words: when the world has lied to you for so long, it is hard to distinguish which voice is true. You WANT to believe something (you are loved, accepted, etc.) but if there is no physical affirmation of that truth, it is very very hard to believe. In my experience, you don't really BELIEVE something until you experience it and feel it's true. Now, we can get into an argument about how God is more than a feeling, but that is a tangent, and I am discussing practical application and how things have worked for me in the past.

Truth comes from many sources. I believe God intended for us to form our opinions of ourselves and our identities in light of His truth expressed through our parents. They affirm that we are loved, accepted etc. But what if they don't? I was taught in church not to find affirmation from the opinions of friends and men. In lou of love from parents, where do I go?

You say God. I say easier said than done.

I am not discounting the HS, I am saying that sometimes as a substitute for not being raised in truth, we need to PAY someone to address specific lies we have been told and tell ourselves.

Also, I would not go to a therapist that was not a Christian. That perhaps IS paid listening. I wouldn't know.

But there, that is my testimonial. My therapist has taught me things I believe no one else could have. (Except maybe another therapist.) She has affirmed things in me God has been telling me all along, things I have been too scared to believe are true because they were far to wonderful for me to accept. She has also introduced me to NEW ideas and NEW ways of thinking that I could never have come up with on my own. And while these "new" things may be addressed in the bible, I always assumed I wasn't worth it, they were for someone else. I needed an educated human head to tell me God's promises are true and real for me too.

That said, I think the intention of your note got a little misconstrued by my original response, and I apologize. Listening is good, empathy is good. You are right we need more people who care and we should not have to PAY people just to LISTEN to us. That is what the body of Christ is for. I just felt there needed to be a distinction made between "listening" and "therapy". And now I have made it.

Fin :)

So what are your thoughts?

Roommates

It is hard to be hated in your own home.

And that is all I will say.

I am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when I began
-Brooke Fraser, "Shadowfeet"

I think the fact that my mom has been provided for so well in this time is enough to keep me hanging on.

Click

The most amazing thing you have ever seen

I Believe This (Now)

"There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
- Carrie Bradshaw on relationships

*Obviously this is not 100% true, but it's Sex in the City afterall ;)

You Made It!

Hello there, glad to see you made it to my new blog. I needed to switch around and consolidate a few things, hence the switch. Thus far you will see archived old blog posts, but be forewarned, the old blog is no more!

So adjust your RSS feeds, sit back, and relax, it's the same as the old blog, just at a new location :)

I have officially decided that if you give a really good first impression, I do not trust you.

Tuesday Morning

So I have been sick for awhile, but that is not the point of this blog. (Just so you know.) Anywho, I was off to yet another doctor, this time out in Colton. (I had finally just decided to go and see the people I had been going to since I was born.) But in order to get a same day appointment, I had to call EXACTLY at 8:00am, risk being put on hold for thirty minutes, and then findding out all of the available appointments for that day had been taken by the people who had somehow gotten miraculously connected before I did.

I set my alarm for 7:58, knowing I would be sleepy and probably need a minute before my eyes could focus on the numbers of my phone. Worst case scenario, I didn't get an appointment and I would just go back to sleep. 7:58, my cell phone buzzes me awake, and I groggily wave my hand around my night stand reaching for my phone to make it stop. I tap in the numbers and wait for it to ring. Now, I have done this before and if you don't call EXACTLY at 8, you get a voicemail and have to call back. But to my surprise, I was put through right away. The receptionist at the switchboard asked how she could connect me, I said, "Dr. Bourne's office in Cooley Ranch" she said "One moment please" and we were go for launch. Here again, I expected to be put on hold, but I spoke to person right away. Dr. Bourne didn't have an appointment until 2:45, but Miranda Lynch (sp?), his nurse practitioner, had one at 9:30, did I want to take it? It was 8:03 now, it would take me a little less than an hour to get there. If there was traffic (and there is ALWAYS traffic) I might be screwed. I took the appointment and jumped out of bed.

Nineteen minutes later, I walked out the door, no make-up, Trader Joes blueberry scone in hand. Crap, what day is it? Tuesday. Where did I park? I replayed getting home last night, and realized I was on the wrong side of the street; street sweeping takes place every Tuesday at 8am. Excellent, another parking ticket. Whatever. But as I veered right and approached my car, there was no little annoying white slip of paper waiting to greet me. Shocked at my luck (because I have very BAD luck with parking tickets), I got in my car as quickly as possible to drive away before the ticketing gremlins came. And as I drove off towards the 55 freeway, I passed the street sweeper just coming up the other side-- I had escaped in the nick of time.

Now to battle traffic. Little GPS on my iphone, what does my future hold? As I searched routs on my map to Colton, and navigated my lane of traffic on the 55 (I AM the driver your mother warned you about), I clicked the little "show traffic" bar and made a distinct subconscious association with "Show me the beast!" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. I had clicked that button thousands of times since getting my iphone and never before thought this. I smiled and made a mental note to tell Whitney later. She is the only one who might even possibly appreciate that parallel.

As I analyzed my traffic options, I realized the 91 (the shortest distance-wise) was a sure failure. What about the 57? It was a little out of the way, but never as much traffic. I scanned the map on the my little screen, glancing up occasionally to make sure I didn't hit any cars, but I couldn't find the 57 icon on any of the freeways. I zoomed in and out of the map, knowing decision time was coming. I either had to go 5N and commit to the 57, or stay and go the rout of impending doom. Then finally I zoomed in again, and there it was, the path green the whole way. I lane surfed a few lanes to the right, and way one my way.

Fifty-four minutes later I was off the freeway and headed to the office. Crap, wrong turn. It was exactly 9:30, (I was AMAZED it was exactly 9:30), but I had come so far to be late now. Figure it out Mel, left on Mt. Vernon. I called and told the receptionist I would be about four minutes late. I found a spot right by the front sliding doors, parked and walked in. I told the lady my name and who I was there to see. The other receptionist looked up and smiled, recognition that she had been the one I spoke to when I called. It was 9:34. I had made it.

From the waiting room I tweeted, "Good morning! It is only 9:40, and I have already escaped the law and outrun the traffic demons!"

I sat amazed at how things had worked out. For all intents and purposes, it was a good morning.

Emotional Writer's Block

I am sitting here trying to write my paper and I can't because I am too upset that no one in my life ever told me my thoughts about things mattered.

I learned today that my thoughts DO matter. And I was going to write a very happy blog post about how I was so happy after therapy today, but now I am upset. I have wasted SO MUCH TIME PLEADING WITH OTHER PEOPLE TO JUST LOVE ME when there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. There was never anything wrong with me.

If I had known that, I would have made so many different choices over the past four years. I would fucking be somebody else. I think she would have been happier. I am a weird mix of sad and angry right now. I don't know what my therapist would call that emotion.

I hate that all we can do is move on. We can't go back and fix what has already happened. I hate that.

In other news, I learned today that my thoughts about things matter.

Writing this piece is hard because it is making me think about who I was, and I don't want to think about that anymore. I don't want to mull over bad habits. I want to keep moving forward and doing new things. I want to leave the past behind me. And because I have to write this piece I cannot do that.

This is disgusting and I want to leave and not write anymore and not think about it. But I have to.

Br.oken

I have an unhealthy affinity for broken things.

Because I think that if I can fix it I am worth something and if I can't, I am not good enough.

NOT.TRUE.

I am beginning to hate the fact that I am programmed this way and am resenting all the time I have wasted.

I had a good revelation earlier today that I will write about later, but needed to get that thought out in the meantime.

So please hear these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

Elizabeth

My therapist would be so proud of me.

Today, I am sad.

I am not angry (no more energy). I am not in denial (too much clarity). But what really matters

...is that I no longer think I can change it. No more formulas, patterns of behavior, clever combinations of words, periods of time, inflections, glances, hairstyles, witticisms. There is no longer an order I should be doing things in, a solution for me to figure out. All options have been exhausted, sucked dry, tried and reused, painted a different color, buffed and shined. But the horse is dead. I have sat next to a dead horse willing it to be alive for four years.

I wonder how Elizabeth Kubler Ross knew so much about loss. I wonder if she has a compelling or moving life story.

But I have finally...finally stopped bargaining. And I have moved on to the second D of DABDA. Depression. The D also stands for Dirty. Depression is a Dirty word.

This is the worst part of all of it. Because here you are absolutely helpless. In Denial you don't know any better; Anger you can get people on your side and yell a lot, and Bargaining you can try to FIX. And the wall between bargaining and depression is where I stop. I hit the wall, refuse to continue, and most times revert back to anger. Anger feels like you are accomplishing something, even though you are not.

When you are angry you are hurting yourself. And guess what?

The situation has not changed.

So today I am sad.

My therapist would be proud.

The Little Men with Bad Breath

So it has occurred to me in my Aprodine state of mind that I am once again off track. The ECF mentioned here was the trigger. And only now am I realizing the tailspin it sent me into.

The past few days, the entry way to my house has smelled like bad breath. How does a part of a house with no furniture or fabric have such a distinct smell, especially one so bad? Are there little men with halitosis standing there breathing when no one is home and moment I come to the door they scamper away?

The clicking (or ticking I suppose is the correct term) of this clock behind me is highly irritating. Or it would be if this new antihistamine I was on did not make me so placid. I never understood the appeal of clocks that tick. Is it one of those sounds people find comforting because it reminds them of their childhood? It does not remind me of my childhood. My grandma actually gave each of her three kids, my dad and his two older sisters, identical gold analogue clocks, and my dad either hid his or threw it away because he hated the ticking so much. He also hated his mother, but thats another story. Maybe my dislike of the noise is genetic. My mom hates ticking and dripping noises too. It's a good thing I am on aprodine.

So I have never read Catcher in the Rye. I know, I know, it's like cardinal sin numero uno for any literary fanatic/writer. But that's not even why I have decided to read it. I am reading it (and I am on chapter 7) because the ending has already been ruined for me. Donald Miller ruined it for me. I actually began reading his book "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" so he could tell me how to live a more exciting life, and there in the first chapter he tells me Holden Caulfield is sitting there telling his story to some therapist in a mental institution. (Sorry if you have never read the book and I just ruined it for you. But now you know how I feel. And really, I would blame Don.) So after having the ending ruined for me, I figured that this is a book everyone and their mother has read, and that there are probably tons of literary allusions made to this book that I have been completely missing over the course of my literate life. And I decided I should fix that. So now I am on chapter 7. And its weird because now that I am reading it, I find myself thinking in the stilted, repetitive way he talks. It is very strange. I don't read as much as I should, but when I do I think I become very involved. It happens when I watch movies too. I am overly empathetic and too easily influenced by my surroundings.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this, when I first sat down to start writing. I have no personal goals. The minute I began to, the ECF occurred and only now am I beginning to resurface. (The ECF served as a catalyst for much deeper problems as well, as Small Things almost certainly always lead to Bigger Things.) I think I need to reconnect with myself. That sounds so meditative and zen. And is actually one of those gross sentences that makes you gag when other people say it, except for the fact that I mean it.

I hate being alone. I hate it hate it hate it. But when I am not alone, even my inner psyche is distracted. I just get off track. And then I find myself doing meaningless things and hating myself for it. The downward spiral is all very interesting really.

As always there is more to say, but I am sure the tone of the rest of my blogs from now on will be all about how I want to reinvent myself, so that should be fun.

Actually...yes, it will be fun. I can do this.

I think my new antihistamine has weird side effects!

Sometimes I wonder why I care so much! Nothing is even that big of a deal! Time for bed!

The Shoe

Shoe crisis averted. That stressed me out. I love when I need space, my roommate gives me the wrong shoe so I can leave it in your car, forcing me to talk to you MORE. Oh basket of shoes by front door that I do not even use, why must you cause me such strife?

I am learning I need to stop making my long distance life happen and instead only focus on what is directly within my reach. I grope and grasp for the past because it is familiar, but in the meantime I do not invest in the present. My need for stability and comfort that I believe to be found in some past life I never led and in making that past a reality is what is keeping me from seeing the blessings I have right here, right now. (Run on sentence!!)

So past, leave me be! When you decide to be a part of my present, I will see if I want to invite you back. But that is YOUR choice. Come back if you like, but for now, I will look side to side and forwards. Backwards no more!

This post makes little sense.

"Love must be free."
(That's all I got from our conversation today)

Boldness-- quote stolen from Leanna

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."
~W.H. Murray