A Beautiful song written by Trisha Fitch

Forgive my hesitation
I guess that I’m not sure
If I want the salvation
I know I’ll never deserve

You say that you want me
I’ll never understand
How you could ever want to be
This coward’s biggest fan

Oh that my ways were directed to yours x2

You’re affection feels empty
You’re encouragement false
There’s so much you must not see
So I’m putting up these walls

This way I can hide away
All the dark you ignore
Never have to display
The me you adore

Oh that my ways were directed to yours x2

So allow me to deflect
The love I blindly give
Just know that I’m a wreck
Hoping someday you’ll forgive

The selfishness I obscure
With tones of humility
You’re love is too pure
Betrays the depth of my vanity

Oh that my ways were directed to yours x2

In the midst of this retreat
Another thought arises
I know I can’t compete
I know you pierce my disguises

And therein lies the allure
Of this one sided love
It alone can insure
That I’ll ever be enough

Oh that my ways were directed to yours x2

I’m so glad I don’t deserve you.

A Conversation

I think it was yesterday--

I told God I wanted to feel Him, to hear Him. I asked Him why I never heard His voice say miraculous, monumentally life changing things to me.

And I heard Him say, "Would you believe me if I did?"

And I said no.

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"You cannot gain peace by avoiding life" -- Virginia Woolf

Move On

I told my sister not to talk to me about our parents anymore. I have spent too much time trying to figure them out and fix it. And it's held me back. I have felt selfish for not trying to help my mom and I have felt like if I can please my dad it will mean I have finally "arrived." (Pause, I would just like to give a shout out to Millie Lein for all of her punctuation help and tips, without her, I would not have punctuated that last sentence correctly.)

But picture a race. I am running the race of life, and my mom is behind me. If I keep going back for her, I will never run my own race. My mom might be dehydrated, wearing the wrong shoes, etc, but I can't focus on her. I have to look out for rocks and trees I might run into. I have to take care of myself. This might be selfish, but I have to run my own race, and there will be other people to care for her...like those guys on the side who manage marathons and pass out Gatorade. And my dad is like the dangling carrot in front of the horse--I will keep running and never get any closer to my unachievable goal. And if I turn the wrong direction, down the wrong path (I am picturing this carrot somehow attached to me, go with it) I will head down that path and run a distracted detour, still striving for an unachievable goal.

But I will not be held back anymore. I have to trust God with my mom and be a healthy person for her to interact with...the most help I can be to her is to be a healthy person myself. The same with my dad. I give up, and I am running my own race. I will not go back and I will not be distracted. When their paths intersect mine, I will not *run* the other way, but neither will I pause. I have been mentally blocked by this for too long.

It's time to move on.

In other news, I graduated Friday morn. I feel like I look like Miss America in this picture. Zot zot!

Pretending something is not real does not make it go away.

Trees

When I think of my absolutely selfless friends and the lengths they are willing to go for me, it makes me want to cry. I am SUCH a taker, and jealous and terrible, and impatient...but they give and give and give. I am not generally a believer in the kill 'em with kindness tactic, because I grew up accustomed to hard line justice and thinking people have no souls (thank the people who raised me), but it sure works on me. Heaping coals on my head for SURE.

But honestly, I am just beyond grateful. I have dealt with some really terrible things in the past 18 hours, and I am seriously such a burden to those I complain to...except they wouldn't say that. That's why I am terrible and they're awesome...If I were them, I would think I am a burden. But they don't think that. I hope I never take them for granted. I am sure I do.

In other news, pray for me. I am trying not to let my present sadness ruin the joy of the days to come. Pray that I would stay hopeful, upbeat and thankful.

I just need to keep believing He's good. God's got me...like a tree.

...loves like a hurricane, I am a tree...

<3

Handicap

Ah to dwell in the unknown is to handicap your present ability to live. But do I live with a handicap because I do not have you? I think not-- if it is in fact timing, your presence would be a hindrance. Ah but the unknown, to dwell to dwell.

And now I will dwell no more.