Let me let You

I don't want it to become a tactic, a game, a list of pros and cons
I just want it to come
I don't want it to be made by me, bought by me, thought of by me
I just want it to be for me

Is the God we believe in good?
Do some of us go unheard?
Are some of us left to wonder and strategize
while others aimlessly walk and win?

It has so little, so little, so little to do with me.

And I am so scared, so scared, so scared I will never be free.

Even if he doesn't mean to be annoying, I am still ANNOYED. And perhaps a little to easily influenced by other people.

Hmmm, thats something to think about.

Phrases that really Grind My Gears

such as "grind my gears". And "let's touch base". And "here's the rub" (ahhhhh why are you rubbing things??)

I was thinking about these phrases today. And about how I can map out the timeline of my life based on the popular phrase of the time. (That has nothing to do with the above phrases that annoy me, but I still thought it was interesting.)

There was the "Sad day" movement of Sophomore year.
Before that, everything was "random".
Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately) boo ya grandma, in your face disgrace did not stay with us long. (I busted that one out a few months ago on a crowd of unsuspecting folks and got lots of weird looks...maybe a pity laugh, but after having to explain the origins of the phrase the moment had completely died. It was a "sad day" *see above*)
Middle school my friend Elena and I got creative with saying things were "crazy cheese" (ah the good ol' days...)

When I was a kid, I remember getting in trouble for saying that things were "weird". Even at a young age I suppose I had a knack for picking up the trendiest phrase of that period of life.

And one cannot forget the "I know, right?" (conveniently abbreved "IK, R?" by yours truly) movement started by the ever inspirational movie Mean Girls.

"I cannot believe she said that!"
"I know, right?"

"I love that dress!"
"I know, right?"

Fits perfectly anytime, anywhere. Until you start loosing friends because it's sooooo annoying.

Now everything is AWESOME. How did you describe that salad you just ate. Awesome. Your run this morning? I bet it was awesome. And weren't those shoes Sarah Schumacher wore in her "How to dress for an interview" video AWESOME? Yep. I thought so too.

Here's the rub *cringes...I hate hate hate that phrase* It's especially sad when you START saying one of these phrases out of mockery at there overused tendencies...and then begin legitimately saying them yourself. I have fallen prey to that many-a-time. Oh well. Sad day.

There were a few weeks when I brought "rad" back. That was pretty rad. Didn't stick thought. It's okay though, it was sort of random.

Anywho, just thought it was necessary to touch base about this uber (also a slightly annoying word) important matter.

What phrases grind YOUR gears? (Or what phrases encompass a certain era of your life?) Do share :)

A Beautiful song written by Trisha Fitch

Forgive my hesitation
I guess that I’m not sure
If I want the salvation
I know I’ll never deserve

You say that you want me
I’ll never understand
How you could ever want to be
This coward’s biggest fan

Oh that my ways were directed to yours x2

You’re affection feels empty
You’re encouragement false
There’s so much you must not see
So I’m putting up these walls

This way I can hide away
All the dark you ignore
Never have to display
The me you adore

Oh that my ways were directed to yours x2

So allow me to deflect
The love I blindly give
Just know that I’m a wreck
Hoping someday you’ll forgive

The selfishness I obscure
With tones of humility
You’re love is too pure
Betrays the depth of my vanity

Oh that my ways were directed to yours x2

In the midst of this retreat
Another thought arises
I know I can’t compete
I know you pierce my disguises

And therein lies the allure
Of this one sided love
It alone can insure
That I’ll ever be enough

Oh that my ways were directed to yours x2

I’m so glad I don’t deserve you.

A Conversation

I think it was yesterday--

I told God I wanted to feel Him, to hear Him. I asked Him why I never heard His voice say miraculous, monumentally life changing things to me.

And I heard Him say, "Would you believe me if I did?"

And I said no.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"You cannot gain peace by avoiding life" -- Virginia Woolf

Move On

I told my sister not to talk to me about our parents anymore. I have spent too much time trying to figure them out and fix it. And it's held me back. I have felt selfish for not trying to help my mom and I have felt like if I can please my dad it will mean I have finally "arrived." (Pause, I would just like to give a shout out to Millie Lein for all of her punctuation help and tips, without her, I would not have punctuated that last sentence correctly.)

But picture a race. I am running the race of life, and my mom is behind me. If I keep going back for her, I will never run my own race. My mom might be dehydrated, wearing the wrong shoes, etc, but I can't focus on her. I have to look out for rocks and trees I might run into. I have to take care of myself. This might be selfish, but I have to run my own race, and there will be other people to care for her...like those guys on the side who manage marathons and pass out Gatorade. And my dad is like the dangling carrot in front of the horse--I will keep running and never get any closer to my unachievable goal. And if I turn the wrong direction, down the wrong path (I am picturing this carrot somehow attached to me, go with it) I will head down that path and run a distracted detour, still striving for an unachievable goal.

But I will not be held back anymore. I have to trust God with my mom and be a healthy person for her to interact with...the most help I can be to her is to be a healthy person myself. The same with my dad. I give up, and I am running my own race. I will not go back and I will not be distracted. When their paths intersect mine, I will not *run* the other way, but neither will I pause. I have been mentally blocked by this for too long.

It's time to move on.

In other news, I graduated Friday morn. I feel like I look like Miss America in this picture. Zot zot!

Pretending something is not real does not make it go away.