The 8th Day

So I am attempting to get better at the whole "If you don't have something nice to say to someone, don't say anything at all" thing...or at least I am trying to not say stuff that serves no ultimate purpose beyond my personal gratification of saying it. But then WHERE IS THE OUTLET???

And on the eighth day, God created blogging.

So without further adieu:

Dear (name withheld),

You are ridiculous. It has been super interesting for me to watch you grow up and become a man. Because though I thought you were a man when I met you four years ago, you most certainly were not. You have grown and changed and matured, and I am in my heart of hearts, SO proud of you. I know it hasn't been easy. In fact, I know these past four years have been some of the hardest, but sometimes that's what it takes to get a person to grow up.

I think the thing that gets me is that you have not become the person I always thought you were. There is still a tiny (very tiny) part of me that thinks it knows you better than you do (and oh man, reading that would probably piss you off greatly).

It's just funny to me that someone so goofy and fun can also come across as so over serious. Maybe I just can't synthesize the two sides. I know you care deeply about things, and things that really matter. But the way you express this through over-dramatic facebook notes that I "need to pass on until everyone I know has read about said travesty that was caused by texting while driving" just comes across as something my mom would forward to all of her friends. Maybe I don't like it because it doesn't seem like you. Then again, maybe I don't know you anymore. Maybe we just care about different things. There is also a good chance that I am getting to witness first hand what it looks like for you to express the things you care about. Maybe these are the first tottering steps of an activist and the wrinkles will iron themselves out. Or perhaps not. Maybe this is just who you are.

And who I thought you were is not who you are. Or is it? I think I am still coming to terms with the death of a dream. And I think that's okay. Best of luck, and many blessings. You know I'll always love you (in the simple and pure friendship sense, of course :).

Always,
Melanie

The Beliefs of Leon

Talking to my best guy friend who totally doesn't believe in God, he says:

Ya, I tried to see people's auras for like two days, but I couldn't...they were all sort of yellow, but I think that was just because of the light...then I realized I just didn't believe in them. (completely serious)

Other wonderful things he has said: (he is a writer)

So I started writing sonnets the other day...it just felt right. (He has since stopped writing sonnets because it no longer feels right.)

I have renounced math, even basic arithmetic...I no longer believe in it. (not completely serious, but HILARIOUS)

Oh Leon, how I love you.

Ignore What You Know. Ha!

Here is what I learned today:

You have to play their game. Or, you have to let them play their own game I guess.

I am a fairly intuitive person. I can tell when a guy likes me. And because I am a "why waste time" kind of girl, if I see it and I like him too, I call him on it, or somehow make him tell me he likes me. I get frustrated with the time lag. So I say stuff, stuff gets messed up (guy gets scared and runs away, or I am in control of the relationship, or we have an epic Clark failure, from here on referred to as an ECF). If I don't like the guy, I ignore the signals in the hopes that they will go away. When in reality that is EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING TO DO because if the guy is going to make a move, he needs time, and will make said move when he is ready. So this is why it seems like only the guys I don't like are the ones with enough courage to ask me out, and why I am left complaining about how no guys I like, like me. Some guys I like do like me, I just rob them of the opportunity to tell me.

It makes so much sense it kills me. Basically, the lesson is: shut your mouth and let things take care of themselves. Even if you know crap, SHUT UP.

Such an eeeeeeaaaaasyyyy lesson.

Wait...is this the meaning of the phrase "Let the man think it was his idea" or whatever? Ugh. There is no justice.

Prayer for the Future aka My Cats, Spin and Stir

I look around me and see everything that is, everything physically present, the people I live with and what they have, and I know this is not the place for me. The things I have said no to, the things that could have been mine, had I just said yes...but I said no. I said no for reasons that made sense at the time, but loneliness has a mind of its own. And sometimes the loneliness of the now is more powerful than the knowledge of the discontent that was. It's hard to not get lost in "knowing you made the right decision".

So this is my prayer for the future:

I pray that if and when I have two cats, they will not be named Spin and Stir. I ask for a place to be prepared for me in Portland. I pray that my heart will be only on what is set before me.

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Proverbs 25-27
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.

Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.

Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.

Every time I walk past "Smart Ones" in the freezer section of the grocery store, I feel as though the frozen food is making a snide comment at me.

There are times when the only thing I take comfort in is the fact that truly crazy people don't stop to wonder if they're actually crazy.

My "just before I wake up" dreams

Yesterday morning I was using the GPS on my phone. It was dim, and pretty stormy, and I was walking around, holding it out, looking at the map and looking ahead of me, like it was some sort of metal detector. It led me to some sort of island, not tropical, but it was a splintery wooden floor surrounded by crashing waves. Once I got there it was very apparent the waves had cut me off from going back. I wasn't panicked, but I do recall taking note of that. My GPS was technically taking me to Portland. On the splintery wooden floor were boxes, half packed and stacked on top of each other, like a room in the midst of getting ready to go. My friend Leon was there. All I remember was sitting on a couch next to him and firmly putting my hand on his knee, in a way that let him know I was there for him. I miss him a a lot.

This morning I was at my cousin's house. Or, well, it was a big house where both of my cousins happened to be. I needed to do some sort of an interview or survey about what people ate, and I wanted to talk to my cousin Karen. I called, I think from downstairs, and my cousin Adrienne picked up. She went to check on Karen and after doing so, told me that she was asleep. I saw all of that happen in my dream, even though I was technically on the phone downstairs. Adrienne insisted on helping me with the survey, rather adamantly actually, and I was reluctant. She eats really weird things and for some reason I didn't was to write down all of the natural and organic herbal things that are in her diet. But I gave in, and climbed the stairs to the very top floor (she lives on the third story of her real house when we are all there for Thanksgiving, so this makes sense to me). But the third floor was a giant brightly lit hallway with doors on either side and looked sort of like a mall. I think there was a large plant in the center. I remember I had a rolly suitcase and a large bag of sliced baguette bread about the same size as my suitcase with me. I asked someone which room my cousin was in, and a man who seemed like the landlord pointed me in the right direction. After that all I remember is playing with her son Josh, who was living inside of a large plastic package, the kind that trail mix from Target comes in, but bigger, and there was Asian salad mix in the bag along with him. All of this was normal, Josh was happy. And the overall feeling of the dream was that I relaxed. I was among family.

"but i learned in the premarital class at trinity that boys are actually brain damaged from birth, and it can only be partially corrected with music training before the age of 10...im serious!" -Courtney Nicole

Mixed Bag Mel

I am Free and no longer need to Think About This.

The end. No more.

Time to freaking write.

Detox

I find it VERY unlikely that Mary Kay is a success in Portland, and for this I am thankful.

I need to detox from all this girly-ness.

*inhale...exhale*

They can't fix it either. We can only encourage each other.

Hmmm. There is so much I do not understand.

Planks and forgiveness and grace

I think I have been learning a lot about planks and forgiveness these days. And making mistakes and grace.

I axed three guys this week. That is a horribly bloody metaphor. But God has wanted me to do this for a veeeeerryyy long time. And I have been ignoring Him. And I have been wondering why I am unhappy. And I didn't actually kill them. (ha) I hate hate hate being lonely. But I would absolutely destroy a relationship...there is too much I have not come to terms with yet.

And to you who I have hurt in my learning process, I am sorry. I know I was wrong and should have let you know sooner, but...well, you know my justification. I am sorry. I wish you would call so I can apologize. I know it has to be in your time. God's time. This is where the grace comes in. Thank you for hugging me before you left on Sunday...I know you are not truly mad, just upset. And rightly so. I think my life would be much different if I had seen people hug after fighting when I was a child.

I pray for a man that does this. I hear they exist. And I have faith that there is one out there for me too.

And thank you dear friends who have not disowned me...I can be kind of a lot to handle. Sometimes I feel like a human explosion. But your patience with me reflects the non-judgmental love of Christ and I need that so much. You know who you are, and I am thankful :) It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "I get by with a little help from my friends."

I saw this quote today: “Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading.” – Oswald Chambers

It's a good one.

Rough drafts and love

Many many times I don't understand the situations I get myself into or why I regret things so much. And then I question things. Never content. And then I wonder why I can't just let go and be like my roommate who is excessively happy. Am I missing something? I operate under the notion that I am missing something, that I just haven't figured "it" out yet.

My therapist told me today that there are no final drafts in life.

Maybe there is nothing I am missing. Maybe I need to stop trying to figure "it" out and just keep moving.

Jesus, I pray I would relax.


How He Loves
--David Crowder

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Baggage

We all have baggage. I guess the key is finding someone who will let us unpack and stay.

The Hard Questions We Do Not Laugh About

I spent a about an hour today reading some of the posts on an old friend' blog. She is a very unique person...at first glance, a very beautiful girl (honestly one of the prettiest people I know), very happy, loving, gentle, not over bearing, nor timid...her life story hasn't been easy, and she came to know Christ about two years ago. As far as I am concerned, she fits into the category of "Those Jesus Smiles Upon Regularly". I do not put myself in this category. And in reading through my friend's blog, I began to think about why...

She and I believe in the same Jesus, we should not be so different from each other. The simple answer is that she has seen God display Himself in her life in tangible ways, so she loves Him, believes He loves her, and they are happy in smiley face and exclamation mark land. But countless big things I have prayed for have not come to pass...big things, monumental life altering things, and I get a big fat NO. My friend and I are expected to love Jesus the same, to the same degree, to believe there is no inequality between us.

But I am being very short sighted in the above paragraph. My friend's life is not complete bliss. But the difference between her and me, is that she has found herself capable of letting go of the past that she does not control and being thankful the ways God is providing for her NOW. I could do that too. In not way is my life complete and utter crap. I could list things I am thankful for this very moment. Hell, I even have good days.

But I am continually resentful for the one thing I asked for that I never got. And I wont even write what it is here, because every time I say it I feel like a broken record. Just another girl with a sob story. I get that other people's lives are worse. OF COURSE. But why did God say no, and why did God say no to me? Ugh, I am so narcissistic.

You know, I don't need to know the answer to that. I can answer that. And logically I am "okay" with the answer. But here is what I want to know.

Brigitte, how did you let go? How do you not hold all of the stuff your mom did against her? Against God? How do you know, without a doubt, that at the end of the day, somehow, someway, there will be enough time? Enough money? Enough experience on your resume? We praise God because He is good, because He answers. He has answered me, and I am thankful for somethings. And I am utterly broken because of the things He will not change. How do you see Him so clearly when I don't? Is the problem with me?

My mind must be in really good shape because it has been running from the deeper issue for a very long time.